“Premature ejaculation” - says who? Oh yeah, our unsatisfied partners.
Why does it sometimes take only a little titillation and stimulation to trigger the males genital sneeze? And was it actually worth it? Now, a little tired and left with the feeling of shame from 'not fulfilling your role as a man'.
Yes, I sometimes experienced premature ejaculation, as it is very common. I am just a man, like all other men, with my own strengths and vulnerabilities. When I first heard about separating orgasm and ejaculation, I doubted it was even possible.
It sounded like some super human power, especially as the way I had imagined it was to be able to go full on with having sex for hours and having multiple orgasms without spilling a drop, needing to stop, recover and trying your best to get a boner again so you can prove your place as a man.
But I tried, and I learned. Now I'm going to share with you my experiences and discoveries.
Reasons for separating orgasm from ejaculation
First, forget about what everyone else thinks - all that social pressure of “not being a real man if your cocks not big and cant make your girl cum”. What's important is being you, and becoming more you, relaxed, as you and stripping yourself of shame, guilt and all the rest, so you can be happy and joyous by just being you. That is important.
Another limited illusion that I had was around the concept of orgasm. We tent to assign meaning to the words that we take from our own experience. For example, love can mean something very different to us all. For some of us, it can even mean pain. I thought orgasm only represented that explosive genital experience, that differs in intensity and length depending on many factors.
My understanding of orgasm has changed due to my new experience. It's not just that end result, the final part of masturbating or sex where the volcano erupts and you feel that intense release. Orgasm is a lot more than that. A better way to describe it is to take it out of common terminology of it being one thing that happens in a single moment, from “I had an orgasm”, or “I'm having an orgasm”, to “I’m feeling/I felt orgasmic”
A quick gratuitous wank would never be that satisfying, but investing time, effort and full presents into making love to someone you adore would be deeply satiating.
By separating orgasm from ejaculation, you can experience more pleasure over a longer period of time. This can have many other benefits like increased energy that will be used for healing and repairing the body. It can help release tension, let go of shame and guilt through sexual empowerment, improve prostrate health, lead to better, longer sex, and give you control of when to ejaculate.
So, what is actually the experience of separating orgasm from ejaculation?
It's an ability to experience an orgasm (meaning a surge of sexual energy running through the body), without the release of semen, which leads to an increase of the body's ability to feel pleasurable sensations. When the orgasmic energy is breathed up into the head, the orgasm is felt in the head. It can also stimulate the pineal gland which is perceived as color in the visual cortex. The pineal gland is like the inner eye and helps us to cultivate inner visualizations.
How is it possible to achieve orgasm without ejaculation?
There probably are many ways to achieve this, but I'll share with you what my milestones were, and how they helped me.
I was introduced to the subject when I received my first Tantric massage from a now Tantric Healing Therapy Practitioner, Kate Elena. She explained to me how the lingam massage would increase the sexual energy in my body, and asked me to tell her when I reached 90% towards climax and ejaculation. Then she would spread the energy through my body by massaging me. When she massaged my body, my erection subsided and my body was alive and rejuvenated with sexual energy. Then this was repeated, training the body to move the energy upwards towards the head.
The first step to practicing ejaculation control is strengthening your pelvic floor or PC Muscle (pubococcygeus muscle), which stretches from your pubic bone to the bottom of your spine. Pelvic Floor exercises will help you distinguish and feel the different muscles in that area, the prostate gland, and the PC muscle from the anus to the tip of your lingam. The prostate gland pulsates in response to orgasmic stimulation, and you can feel it in the moments before ejaculation by placing your finger on or near your anus.
Pelvic Floor Exercises
You know you've found your PC muscle because when tensed they will stop the flow of urine. If you find you can't stop the flow because the muscle isn't strong enough, then spend time tensing the muscle and relaxing it. Repeat that, every day increasing the amount and frequency and length of time tensed. Remember to relax the muscle for the same time you tense it. Soon you'll be able to stop the flow of urine, you can hold and release the muscle many times as you urinate; it feels nice too.
Squeezing the PC muscle with an erection is also good as you can see the result. When masturbating, stop just before ejaculation and flex the PC muscle as you breathe the sexual energy up the body, tensing as you breath in and relax as you breath out.
I have studied Shamanic Energy healing and I'll share something we were taught. When working with energy healing on another person, you draw the energy up from the earth with your breath into your heart and out the arms into the person your supporting. An even more effective technique is to squeeze the perineum, PC muscle (or Mula Bandha in yoga), as you breathe in and it draws up more energy to channel. Try it!
The next challenge
The next challenge that I learned was to prevent ejaculation, inspired by the work of Mantak Chia, who wrote 'The Multi-orgasmic Man' and 'Sexual Reflexology'.
Continue to practice massaging your lingam. When getting close to ejaculation, breathe in the energy as you squeeze the PC muscle, circulating the energy around the body until your erection becomes limp, and repeat the process. After a few times, when you feel you are nearly done, massage to the point of ejaculation and squeeze the PC muscle very tightly to prevent the release of semen. You will have to mentally re-engage the muscle, ensuring the tension is strong enough and held for long enough if you can. While you do this, breath the energy up the body. After a minute or two you can release the lock without much, if any, semen releasing.
Take some time to feel the sensations in the body and deeply relax. You could repeat this a few times in a sitting position if you like. If your muscle is not strong enough to stop the flow of semen, that's fine - just continue with the other exercises until you can hold it.
When I received a Tantric Healing Therapy massage from Neemisha, I wanted to try something new. I asked her to continue massaging my lingam to the point of ejaculation, and I would then squeeze my PC muscle to prevent the release of semen while she massaged the orgasmic energy up the body away from my genitals.
This enabled me to really focus more on the lock of my PC muscle while she moved the energy up my body. It was amazing - after she spread the energy up my body, I began to see lights and color with my eyes closed. I believe this was my orgasm reaching my head and stimulating the pineal gland. It was beautiful and very blissful.
Just Relax
The last stage is the hardest and the easiest. 'Just Relax' is inspired by the teachings of Daniel Odier in 'Desire: The Tantric Path to Awakening'.
Yes, it may seem easy to relax, because relaxing does not seem to take any effort. But really - it does, and quite a lot, just in a very different way. An effort in the form of awareness of tensions in the body.
I have had very spiritual experiences through the act of relaxing or surrendering. In full surrender, where each little bit of tension is exhaled out the body, conscious relaxation happens, and the senses open to experience all stimuli fully and equally.
The breath is soft, effortless and felt throughout the body. At this point in full surrender each and every cell in the body feels as if it's open, the boundary of the body evaporates, and a merging into your surrounding happens. You become the sounds, the colours, the sensations, the smells, the breath and you become space. As you continue to expand deeper into space, you become one with your environment and dissolve any sense of separation.
Create a space for this sacred act of self-pleasure, light a candle for yourself and dedicate this time for you. Spend some time relaxing the body. Start at the head, especially the forehead and work down the body, breathing deeply into any tension. When the body is fully relaxed, notice the sounds in your surroundings, giving them your full attention. Then move your awareness to sensations in the body, the temperature of the room, the feeling of what you are lying on.
Now with a soft open awareness of the smells, sounds, colors, and sensations, move your awareness to the breath, relax into the breath, slow the breath down and become the breath. Now enjoy your body while massaging your lingam, keeping the body relaxed, especially the pelvic area. As you approach climax, you will feel the pulsations and spasms of the prostrate, breath into this area and relax the prostrate and the pelvic area, keep the breath and body soft and merged with your environment.
Energy and emotions in a tense body don't move freely. I often remind people that throughout life emotions will come up for release. Often people will project and blame someone who helped trigger unresolved repressed emotions. When the emotion wells up from its trapped, repressed, place in the energy body, it's unchanged from when the traumatized experience occurred.
By reacting to the emotion, getting angry and tensing the body, we prevent the emotion from passing through. Try to acknowledge that root of a suppressed emotional experience. Take a deep breath, relax the body, and really feel that emotion, unimpeded and without judgment. Notice that it simply passes through you. Now you've allowed yourself to process it. Simple, right?
Moments before ejaculation, start to breathe the energy up and encourage its movement. As the body is relaxed, energy can freely move to where you direct it. You may feel the orgasm move through the body and into your head, while the sensation subsides in your lingam. Feel and enjoy this bodily rejuvenation by relaxing the body even more. Experience a timeless moment lost in ecstatic bliss, and congratulate yourself.
Summary
To summarize, here is what you should do:
1. Exercise the PC muscle to bring more awareness to the muscles and glands in the pelvic region.
2. Stop the flow of urine by squeezing the PC muscles to make it stronger.
3. Stop the flow of ejaculation during orgasm.
4. Relax totally, allowing and encouraging the flow of energy up the body to the head.
Bringing these exercises to the bedroom will change things for you. You'll have much more control over when you choose to ejaculate, if you do. You can try holding onto your seman and going again (although this is not a fool proof way of ensuring no spillages!).
My best advice is to enter into lovemaking in a ritualistic way, giving lots of time and taking it really slowly, to relax the body and settle the mind, and merge bodies into a perfect union, breathing and moving as one.
Life is to be enjoyed and what better thing to strive for in life than joy, bliss, and love.
Thank you for reading.
David Allen
