Yes lets talk about tantric sex…about pleasure, sensuality, hours of love making, sexual energy, slowing down, sacred union, balance, full body orgasm, rituals, Shiva & Shakti, intimacy, soul connection and spirituality.
Imagine you and your partner in a beautiful warm room. You have prepared the bedroom with great care, love and attention. Ylang Ylang essential oil scent in the air. The soft glow of candles gently lighting the room. Rose petals on the crisp white sheet of the bed. Imagine you are looking at her lovingly like she is the only woman in the whole world. You honor her as a Goddess. You are fully present with her. Breathing in perfect harmony. You kiss her all over her body and whisper loving words in her ears. Your touch is sensual. You massage her body alternating between feathering and firm strokes. She moves her body with pleasure with your every touch, word and breath. Slowly your body merges with her body. You make love for hours. The whole experience become a meditation and dance. Both of you experience full body orgasm, bliss and simply forget time and space…the whole universe becomes one.
Now lets come back to reality. Everyday reality! Unfortunately, most sex do not happen this way. The usual approach to sex is just like in porn… take off clothes and bang bang bang, it is over in 11 mins or less with an ejaculation. It is a common belief that the whole goal of sex is ejaculation whether the woman has orgasm or not.
Sex is considered a taboo and dirty. Most young people learn sex through pornography. Emotionally, sex is often associated with guilt, shame, sin, distrust, hurt, embarrassment, fear and pain. Physically, sex becomes a necessity to release tensions and stress from the body. When sex becomes a way to destress the body, then it is devoid of love, care and connection.
However, if you are looking for love intimacy and connection in a relationship, then the whole approach to sex need to be changed. Sex in the Tantric loving way rather than sex in the fast and rough porn way. But before you can have tantric sex, you have to learn about your own body, about the body of a woman, about slowing down, about feeling everything, about sexual energy, about consciousness, about breathing, about separating ejaculation and orgasm and about full body orgasm. Are you ready to unlearn and relearn new techniques so you can make love the tantric way?
Lets talk about Tantra
Tantra teaches men about their body, sexual energy, arousal, ejaculation and orgasm. Men learn to go on inward, experience their own pleasure as well as cultivate self-love. They learn to explore their full potential for pleasure, healing and spiritual growth. Once they have mastered these, then they become not only a better person but also a better lover.
Tantra encourages communication and intimacy which are vital to any relationship. It is too common for a couple to lose interest in sex because they have not discussed their own desires and needs. If a couple cannot do this, it is inevitable that the sexual connection will diminish and result in some form of sexual dysfunction. Communication allows each part of a couple to understand their partner’s needs and pander to them – providing an enjoyable, fulfilling sex life.
In Tantra, men are encouraged not to ejaculate. Sperm contains hormones, protein, minerals, vitamins, amino acids as well as life force (prana). After ejaculation, they feel tired, disconnected and disinterested. Instead, they can circulate their sexual energy throughout their body which is both energising and healing. It is commonly thought that ejaculation and orgasm is the same thing and happen at the same time. Orgasm happens a few seconds before ejaculation. So it is possible to have an orgasm and not ejaculate. In fact, this is how men can have multi and full body orgasms.
So what are the hurdles that stop men from having tantric sex? Many men I work with struggle with almost the same issues: they feel insecure, stressed, have low body image, low self-esteem, low libido, suffer from sexual dysfunctions like performance anxiety and premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction which leaves them extremely frustrated, dissatisfied and unfulfilled. Yet, they think they are the only one who suffer these. Most of these are due to trauma from childhood which is stored in the body and is still unresolved.
Lets talk about Performance Anxiety
Before intercourse, men become so anxious, tensed and stressed that they cannot relax and they ejaculate prematurely because of so much tension and pressure in their body. There is the pressure to have an erection, maintain the erection and not to ejaculate too quickly. They fear that their partner will judge and reject them if they don’t perform well in bed. All these are very stressful. Anxiety, stress and tension are the primary causes of most sexual dysfunction.
A lot of men worry about the size of their lingam and worry that their partners will laugh at them, ridicule them or simply reject them. As a result, they feel very embarrassed and have low self esteem. But size is much less important than its strength and what you do with it. I encourage men to appreciate their body exactly as it is as we are all different and unique.
There is a lot of pressure on men nowadays. The effects of stress, tension and anxiety on men can be devastating for their health and sexual well being. They think women expect a lot from them and they have to be in their masculine power and performance to a high standard. Not only they have to please the woman, give her an orgasm, have an orgasm themselves, but they also have to show that they are a manly, macho and in their power.
Once they learn how to relax, slow down and be confident with their body, all the anxieties simply melts away. In Tantra, men learn how to set aside their ego and enjoy the moment. They also learn how to receive pleasure from women. Men have been so used to giving that they find it very difficult to surrender and receive.
Lets talk about Premature Ejaculation
So many men experience premature ejaculation, yet they find it difficult or even embarrassing to talk about it. In fact, premature ejaculation is very common and affects a lot of men. Ejaculation is usually considered to be premature if it occurs within 2 minutes of intercourse or if men cannot control their ejaculation.
Men have conditioned themselves to ejaculate quickly in their adolescence and while watching porn so they don’t get caught. And this can be very frustrating not only for themselves but also their partners. Premature Ejaculation can cause immense issues for a couple who are both left dissatisfied - one for the lack of fulfillment and the other for the lack of being able to fulfill their partner’s needs. Men also shut down physically, mentally and emotionally after ejaculation.
The causes of premature ejaculation can be stress, depression, strict upbringing, relationship issues, performance anxiety, low self confidence, high blood pressure, trauma, abuse and some diseases. To be able to experience and enjoy long hours of Tantric sex, ejaculatory control is a must.
Lets talk about Ejaculation Control
Ejaculation control is an ancient tantric practice to preserve the sperm and vital force known as the chi or prana. Sperm contains immense amounts of protein, vitamins, minerals and amino acids as well as vital energies. In Tantra, sperm is considered to be sacred as it has the power to create life and it also contains the man’s potential and creative power.
Man releases millions of sperm during ejaculation and this is a waste of energy. After a man ejaculates, he drains his power and feels depleted, disconnected, tired and dissociated. When he masters his ejaculatory control, he empowers himself, preserves his vital force, heals his body, cultivate his sexual energy and becomes a master of himself.
Benefits of ejaculatory control are:
- Hours of love making with your partner.
- Allowing your female partner to experience deep orgasm (women need more time of love making to experience orgasm).
- Experiencing full body orgasm.
- Better health, energy and vitality.
- Great for rejuvenation.
- Empowering yourself
- Using sexual energy to heal the body of any stress, trauma and tension.
- Experiencing more pleasure in your body and lingam as you are enjoying the moment instead of reaching the goal of ejaculation.
- Awakening the Shiva consciousness in yourself.
Contrary to popular belief, ejaculation and orgasm do not happen at the same time. Orgasm happens a few seconds before ejaculation. So you can still have orgasm and not ejaculate. During a Tantric session, men learn to separate orgasm and ejaculation.
Lets talk about Erectile Dysfunction
Erectile dysfunction/Impotence is the incapacity to get or keep an erection firm or strong enough to have sex with your partner. Most men experience erectile dysfunction at some time in their life. Erectile issues can create a range of emotional stresses such as anxiety, shame, guilt and inadequacy about how they interact sexually with their partner.
The causes can be psychological like stress, trauma, relationships, family or pressures of sexual performance. There can also be physical causes such as heart disease, diabetes and raised blood pressure which need medical attention. Lifestyle habits like drugs, smoking and alcohol can also cause erectile issues.
Erection happens when the lingam muscle relax and blood can flow in the lingam causing it to become hard and erect. When the arteries around the lingam is blocked by fat, toxins and other blockages, it becomes difficult for blood to flow freely. Since erectile dysfunction happen because of poor blood circulation, it is important to massage the thighs and surrounding areas properly to increase blood flow to the lingam.
In Tantric sex, it is even possible to have sex without an erection because the emphasis is not on the sexual act in itself but on the using the 5 senses, breathing, slowing down, relaxing, giving and receiving pleasure as well as surrendering. Once men let go of control, making love becomes a natural process as the focus is not on ego, performance or ejaculation. Tantric sex is more about sharing intimate moment, pleasure, love and deep connection.
Finally, lets talk about sexual healing to prepare you for Tantric Sex
We have seen how unresolved trauma, stress, abuse and tension can cause sexual dysfunction in men. Through Tantric healing, these issues can be resolved. For men to practice Tantric sex, they first have to develop body awareness, be ready to meet their wounds, release emotions that are not serving them anymore, learn ejaculatory control and awaken the masculine/feminine energies in them. Once they have done the inner work, then they become fully present with themselves and their partner.