John, 64 says, "It’s probably the age. I cannot always get it up when I want or I lose it too soon". He’s in my office looking for ways to fix his penis.
"Since menopause I’m just not interested in sex anymore." - says Sarah, over 60.
Both John and Sarah would make a typical couple that I see in my office if they knew each other.
There’re many other clients who get very surprised when their sexual function unexpectedly changes. They think it’s unexpected because nothing changes in their bed, no sexual context changes to have such an effect.
But what my clients don't understand is that sex does not happen between the sheets, it really happens between the ears and ripples through the body. Sexual pleasure is a result of chemical reactions in our brains and nervous systems, heavily influenced by the context.
Let’s see how.
The Body-Brain-Sex Connection
Let’s say John is 20 and meets Sarah in a bar. Let’s say they are both single and crave intimacy. Let’s imagine they find each other attractive. Few simple facts activate millions of sensory inputs and spark thousands of biochemical reactions to lead John and Sarah to bed. Besides physical attraction, quite a few other factors have to align for their genitals to get a green light, like - safety, trust, and mutual purpose (at least for tonight).
And that would work well for John and Sarah until these inputs are stable.
But as soon as something more important comes into the picture, like a newborn or financial stress, the signal from their brains to genitals will get distorted. Some signals will still try to carve their way to the genitals, but others will rush to reach a deadline at work or choose a school for the children. There’s limited capacity for the signal firing energy we have and the brain will always prioritize survival and safety.
To really address sexual dysfunction, we need to make sure that:
- Stress level is low.
- Priorities are right.
- Connection with the partner is good.
- We are satisfied with ourselves.
- We have a conducting environment.
We need to unload the brain's basket so that it can focus on pleasure.
Here are some factors that most likely hijack the sexual signals.
1. Stress
Not only the stressor. Stress is something that can run in the body even when the stressful event is over. Stress is a nervous system dysregulation and needs to be normalized within the body.
It requires awareness of physiology and emotion, not only thinking. This is why the mindset practices don’t do it when it comes to calming down. Stress (especially chronic) is this invisible enemy that affects digestion, blood pressure, muscle tone, mental health, memory and mostly - sexual function.
It might not kick in after one stressful deadline but would slowly accumulate and creep in as low libido, erection issues, vaginal dryness, etc. because the energy of stress is still running in the body. Then mind would need to find another way to get rid of this stress by stopping unnecessary actions (like sex) so that there’s capacity to notice and deal with the root cause.
In this case, tantric massages or practices are helping only for a short time. A client’s system might react to a novelty and get aroused, but once back to routine, stress is back to lead the show. Therefore, the nervous system regulation practices are more effective than any sexual therapy or coaching.
2. Unresolved Conflict with a Partner
Distance and resentment are perceived by our nervous system as a threat and the brain will prioritize the resolution of the conflict. Safety is higher in our needs list than pleasure. Good connection with people we share our lives with guarantees our survival as mammals.
Having sex while feeling distanced might further perpetuate the feeling of inadequacy and confusion because sex is meant to be an act of connection and safety. But when we try to have sex being angry with each other, we focus only on pleasure and not on each other which can often feel even more disconnecting. As if your partner using your body for their pleasure.
To avoid that further inadequacy and confusion, the body will shut itself down sexually.
Therefore, an honest conversation about unmet needs and/or painpoints can be the best “Viagra” if the conflict is fresh. For long held chronic resentment, a couple needs professional support and to be guided to resolution without creating more tension.
3. Overfocusing on Performance Instead of Pleasure
Unfortunately for many, pleasing others including through sex is a way of being validated and loved. Often, clients use sex to gain points towards their self-worth basket, not as a narcissistic perfection of proving being the best lover. Rather, only feeling satisfied with oneself when a partner has the best sex.
Since sex for mammals is ultimately about connection and pleasure, when during sex we don’t feel pleasure, the body might "rebel" and respond with erection or libido issues. As mentioned before - disconnection means threat, and it doesn’t matter whether it is disconnection from others or the self.
People who feel responsible for others' pleasure might also try to compensate for their sexual partner's unhappiness. Using sex for the wrong purposes and not getting your own needs met ultimately will lead to some sort of sexual dysfunction.
This issue is multi-layered and very nuanced. Often, self-awareness won’t lead to resolution. A combination of nervous system regulation (because these folks feel constantly anxious deep down) and psychotherapy is needed. To unhook wrong associations, to help with overall self-worth, to prioritize pleasure and learn to feel it.
4. Disconnection from One’s Body, Needs, and Desires
There has been a massive explosion of sexual needs and desires displayed all over the media. Everyone is talking and teaching about sexual communication. In my observation, my clients often don’t have communication issues, they have issues in feeling what feels good.
Building connection with your bodily sensation is the key. In order for the mind to orchestrate the pleasure, the body needs to feel it! What really awakens pleasure in the body is not overstimulation but increasing the sensitivity, enlarging the capacity to feel and the ability to hold on to it.
Tantra comes in handy to help to sensitize the body with tools of awareness and gentle pleasure, but what Tantra lacks often is to teach a person's nervous system to be able to safely hold on to that pleasure. For many of us, a lot of anything basically leads to being overwhelmed. When the nervous system is not capable of processing a lot of stimulation - pleasant or unpleasant – it shuts down. To give you a clue, this is the most common issue for all sexual dysfunctions.
Bringing It All Together
These 4 categories might have a direct effect on John and Sarah’s "sudden" loss of libido. Not something that happened over night, but rather accumulated over many years of not doing proper maintenance of the nervous system and bodily sensation.
But both of them can (and in my practice, did) feel sexual pleasure again if they learn to regulate their nervous system, resolve conflicts with loved ones and self and learn to feel pleasure inside and outside of the body. For this, integrative sexual therapy is the key.
Contact Julia Vaya-Mai if you would like to bring balance to your sexual life, learn tools for regulating your nervous system, release past traumas, and enhance your capacity for pleasure. Julia uses somatic approach to psycho-sexual healing. Sessions can be conducted in person or online.
References:
Michelle C. Brooten-Brooks, LMFT. Confronting the psychological causes of ED.: https://www.verywellhealth.com/stress-and-erectile-dysfunction-5202285
Lisa Dawn Hamilton, PhD and Cindy M. Meston, PhD: "Chronic stress and sexual function in women. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4199300/
Zahra Yazdanpanahi , Zahra Beygi , Marzieh Akbarzadeh and Najaf Zare "To investigate the relationship between stress, anxiety and depression with sexual function and its domains in women of reproductive age": https://www.ijmrhs.com/medical-research/to-investigate-the-relationship…
Yehuda, R., Lehrner, A.M.Y., & Rosenbaum, T.Y. (2015). PTSD and sexual dysfunction in men and women. The Journal of Sexual Medicine: https://doi.org/10.1111/jsm.12856
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