Or do they need sex at all?
There are many reasons why a person may remove sex from their life, for example, cultural or religious reasons, chronic pain, hormone therapies, sex-related trauma, removal of the uterus (hysterectomy) or other sexual organs, being handicapped, being overweight, or having low self-esteem.
Many clients working on their own sexuality come to me with a single request in mind: "Can you show me what sexual energy is all about so that I can understand if I need it in my life or not?"
What Is Sexual Energy?
Recently all the buzz is about cultivation of sexual energy. But what does the Kundalini rising mean? Is tantric massage beneficial or kinky? Can everyone achieve multiple orgasms or just the rare few? Should one massage the million-dollar point every day or just once a month? And how do internal orgasms feel in male body? These and many more Taoist practices described by Mantak Chia in books Multi-Orgasmic Man and Multi-Orgasmic Woman stir people’s imagination. Yet rarely give any detailed answers.
No one really explains what sexual energy is all about. The engineer in me has to rectify this gap in knowledge.
Sexual energy is the creative energy in the human body. After all, it helps to create babies. It is based on the free flow of water and fire elements, according to many traditions, or the blood and lymph circulation within the body in physiological terms. Stagnation in either blood or lymph flow yields difficulties in feeling arousal and achieving orgasms.
Karsai Nei Tsang, tantric massage and Taoist practices, revolve around removing such blocks from the body and sexual organs.
What Causes Sexual Frustration?
According to the Swiss-born, modern-day British philosopher, Alain de Botton, in sex and sexual interactions, we reveal ourselves completely. We allow others to see us as we truly are. And every human being has the basic need to be seen and accepted fully, with all faults and perks. We all have the basic need to be loved unconditionally.
If family members and partners in early relationships consistently turn down the true and honest reveal of one's desire, this often leads to sexual frustration, closing off to sex, becoming asexual, or having a low libido. The process of losing the libido can be as easy as being denied a hug several days in a row. Imagine if such rejection is repeated over the years.
Do People Need Casual Sex?
Some do, some don’t. It depends on your erotic blueprint (see below) and on the amount of tension in your body. The more muscle and fascia tension one holds, the more sexual intercourses one will usually seek to reduce such tension, unless personal beliefs or hormonal disbalance limit it.
Yet, many people seek caring touch rather than intercourse or penetration. It all revolves around the same basic need to be loved and cared for.
The majority of cultures see various forms of touch as sexual or flirtatious, i.e. leading to sex. Even looking into someone's eyes can be perceived as flirtatious or invasive. At the same time, it is the basic way to build trust. This can be learned and practiced through eye gazing, one of the basic practices in tantric interactions.
What if I Have a Low Libido?
Low libido or decreased sexual drive is quite common among parents, people with sexual trauma, or generally depressed and chronically ill people. The best thing you can do is relax and concentrate on sleep, rest, and caring touch.
How Do I Have Sex with Chronic Pain?
Most people with chronic pain prefer sleep, rest, and cuddling over penetration. The body takes time to lower its guard, warm up, relax, and to be able to feel pleasure. Quite often, having sex with clothes on or under a warm, heavy blanket is the only solution.
This approach to sex may be labelled as frigidity. This is far from the truth. Chronic pain is not an obstacle to having sex; it simply requires a different attitude from the partner.
Miss Jaiya explains this point well with the Erotic Bodyprint theory. Energetic bodyprint is what pain-ridden people are often inclined towards. Take the quiz and find more about your own sexuality and what turns you on.
This is one of the reasons why men and women with chronic sexual pain become my customers, look for a tantric masseuse, or knock on the door of a sexual therapist. Everyone tries to find a way to feel adequate and normal, because it is way too easy to feel broken, unwanted, and unloved.
I know this, as I went through a similar experience myself: from chronic pain and being called frigid in marriage, to tantric massage, polyamory and being free from chronic pain and in my own sexuality. This path is possible for you as well. If you feel you need help, try looking up “tantric masseuse near me” on your web browser to find a local practitioner.
What About Sexual Trauma?
Sexual trauma often represents itself as pain around genitals, breasts, and even around the mouth and knees. The subconscious memory of the event is so strong, that the body generates as many obstacles as possible (in the form of jammed nerves, tense muscles, and pain or numbness) to protect itself from a repetition of the traumatic experience.
People with sexual trauma may check out during sexual interaction, or experience pain vaginally (vulvodynia or vaginitis), but will still be able to enjoy anal sex. A traumatic block can present itself as erectile dysfunction, a toothache, or haemorrhoids. The body has a lot of ways to protect itself.
Many of those who have experienced sexual abuse or rape in early childhood, abuse their body on purpose through casual sex, violent sexual intercourses, or through sexual interactions with as many people as possible. This is often a manifestation of self-hatred and can be an attempt to punish oneself for being too sexy; something they may have heard from their childhood abuser.
While sexual trauma presents itself in a variety of ways, it can be addressed with tantric massages, intimate touch, and sexological bodywork. The oldest client I have treated for sexual trauma is over 70 years old. The most surprising was a call girl. The most striking transformations I have seen are male clients of all ages who had gone through sexual abuse in their childhood or teen ages.
Is Polyamory a Solution?
In relationships where one of the partners is openly asexual or sexually or otherwise handicapped, polyamory can offer a long-term solution for the couple to stay together and for the sexual partner to have their needs fulfilled in an open and loving manner, free of shame and guilt.
Everyone involved should communicate their own feelings and stay honest to themselves and the others involved. Radical honesty is a skill that could be practiced during a sexological coaching session. If this is something you want to try, then you should find a practitioner online.
There is no one set of rules for polyamorous relationships and arrangements. The book More than Two by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert looks at polyamory from many different perspectives and offers plenty of examples of how things can go both right and wrong in a polyamorous relationship.
Keep in mind that polyamory does not equal free sex and orgies as some may believe. Sex parties and sex clubs are the places for such entertainment. However, polyamory is a loving relationship with several people. This entails all the emotions and negotiations of a regular relationship multiplied by the number of partners involved.
Healing Sex Trauma
I want to emphasize something. A tantric masseuse, a sexual energy healer, or a sexological bodyworker practicing intimate touch is not a partner, not a boyfriend, not a girlfriend, not a spouse, or a fling. The bodyworker is a trained and skilled therapist who specialises in and has experience with healing sex-related traumas. Pleasure during the session is a part of the healing journey.
If your aim is to heal first and play second, I would recommend having a session or two of therapeutic bodywork, tantric, yoni, or lingam massage before jumping deep into a polyamorous relationship. This will help you to understand your body better in both familiar and surprisingly new ways.
Much love and good health!
Valentina Liski
