Female orgasm: from mystery to transparency
I am about to reveal to you the secret to activating my own orgasmic self. But before I do that, just for a moment, I want to draw your attention to the fact, that female orgasm is usually associated with some sort of mystery, whereas male orgasm are almost completely taken for granted. Why is that? Is it because we, women are more shy to talk about our sex life? Or is it because indeed, women are more complex when it comes to reaching that desirable state of sexual climax? I hope that as I go along sharing my own story, some understandings will come for myself and for you, dear readers.
Female orgasm explained (kind of)
Science clearly has no problems at all with identifying both male, and female orgasms. As we read in one article compiling scientific research on the subject, “Orgasms are one of the few phenomena that occur as a result of a highly complex interaction of several physiological and psychological systems all at once.” And just in case you weren’t sure what happens to a woman’s body while having an orgasm, I recommend watching the video titled Female orgasm explained. It is a very clear explanation of the bodily functions, yet wouldn’t we all agree that orgasms mean much more than a physical reaction to a stimulus?
Shedding the veil of mystery
From a tantric perspective, orgasms are often described as energy in motion. Having its source in one place, usually the genitals, the orgasmic energy moves through the rest of the body. This orgasmic wave, or many waves, can go past all of our chakras and finally reach our third eye giving us “bind blowing orgasms”. Sounds great, doesn’t it? But it still doesn’t tell us much about “the secret” of actually getting there.
Many women that I have met, including myself, struggle or have struggled with the inability to orgasm. I believe that talking about it is the first step to overcoming the challenge. Therefore, not without some fear, I want to share with you the secret to female orgasm. Or to be more accurate, the many secrets that I have discovered on my own journey.
Secret to female orgasm: 5 things I learned about myself
Dear reader, I want to stress that this compilation is based purely on my very personal experience. While hopefully, it can serve you as a point of reference or inspiration, I strongly encourage you to apply critical thinking and recommend experimenting and finding out for yourself, what it is, that activates your orgasmic self.
1. My orgasm on my own terms
Along my journey I came to realization that we can label “orgasmic” anything that is more than an ordinary sensation, and it can be completely independent from sexual activity. For example, a professional neck and shoulders massage can be called “orgasmic”; engaging in a vigorous whole-hearted dance experience can equal to an orgasmic state.
I also learned that a person can be orgasmic - you have special orgasmic meditations that help you work out your orgasmic muscle. Then there are eyegasms – a feeling of pleasure derived from a sight, mouthgasms – explosion of tastiness from a delicious meal… And of course, let’s not forget the strictly sexual orgasms – clitoral, G-spot, A-spot, K-spot… orgasm from stimulating the nipples, the earlobes.
Later I discovered the transcendental full body orgasms, energy orgasms, heart orgasms… on so on and so forth. Slowly, all of this had my head spinning, and I started to wonder: “If all of these different types of sensations fall under the term “orgasm”, then I can decide for myself what an orgasm actually means for me, right? Yes! Uff.. What a relief!
2. First clitoral orgasm through cunnilingus was scary!
I could divide my life into stages, during which I was experimenting with different ways that would make me orgasm, accompanied by full variety of sensations. Since I started to masturbate consciously around the age of 10, I’ve been mastering the art of giving myself clitoral orgasms. Sometimes a handful of them in a day.
Then, at the age of 14 I was given my first ever cunnilingus… and that was stronger than anything I experienced during my solo-play. In fact, the sensation of the orgasm approaching me was so strong that I got scared. As I felt the inevitability of the orgasmic wave coming at me, I jumped out and run away! That was when I learned that solo sex is quite different from experiencing it with another person.
3. Sex can be painful
After my first experience of receiving oral sex, I restrained from interacting with men. I preferred to have my orgasms on my own terms. I would use my hands, or some specific objects that felt nice on my clitoris. I also really liked to take super long baths and use the stream of the showerhead to please myself. I could easily spend an hour behind the closed doors, driving other household members mad.
This innocent era came to a closing when I met my first boyfriend. Now I was spending hours looking into each other’s eyes, hugging, kissing. Slowly, we started to touch our bodies. I was sixteen, he was six years older. He had already had sex with other women, for me he was my “first one”. I wasn’t really so quick to try out the intercourse, but I gave in to the pressure. His pressure.
First time I let him penetrate me with his penis was sad and grey. It hurt a lot and I didn’t feel any pleasure. Every time after that, wasn’t any better. All I could feel was pain and numbness. And I was silent about it… I couldn’t say a word. This lasted for almost a year, until I finally gathered the strength to finish the relationship. It left me with lots of vaginal pain and chronic infections. I was done with men.
4. Orgasms can be addictive
It took me years to heal and to understand about my personal boundaries. The pain in my genitals, which had turned chronic, was keeping me away from looking for sex with others. Instead, I would find myself indulging in those solo orgasms, often two or three in a row.
But slowly, I begun to feel this wasn’t enough – I didn’t feel satisfied on deeper levels. Additionally, I would often use pornography as a shortcut. Sometimes I would orgasm in under 30 seconds, and then again, and again… Yet each of those moments would leave me more and more empty.
Finally I was able to recognize my unhealthy patterns: I was masturbating, when I was bored, or stressed, or very excited, or to cheer myself up. Once I realized I was a compulsive masturbator (orgasm addict), I decided to quit porn and also to stop using vibrators. It wasn’t easy at the beginning, but eventually I managed to break the bad habit of getting off with these ultra-fast compulsive orgasms.
5. Female orgasm beyond the physical body
Snapping out from the spell of addiction has brought me closer to myself. I felt a growing need to explore the field of sexuality. I heard the term “yoni massage” in a conversation regarding my curiosity with two lovely owners of a retreat centre in Spain. That was how I found out about tantra.
It came to me at a time in my life when I was split between two completely different realities. On the one hand, I was a recovery addict from compulsive masturbation, on the other hand I was, generally speaking, unable to have satisfactory sex with another person. It was my deepest desire to get really intimate with someone else, yet the inability to do so was driving me crazy.
Fast forward, and I was experiencing physical and emotional bliss like I hadn’t even imagine was possible. However, the most valuable gift that my personal tantric journey offered me, was the privilege of getting to know myself better.
With all the healing and hard work, I slowly begun to understand the negative patterns. I was also able to minimize the pain during intercourse almost to zero, most of the times that I am intimate with another person. My energy body begun to awaken (before I didn’t even know I had an energy body!) and I was experiencing all sorts of pleasure, from the most relaxed ones to the most ecstatic.
Summing it up, I am excited to see what else life has prepared for me. So far it has been a fascinating journey. Despite my relatively young age, I have had a chance to experience almost a whole spectrum of the female orgasm. There are other fascinating stories that did not fit into this one blog post. They are equally intimate and perhaps even more spicy and would deserve separate articles.
However, I do benefit enormously from all the experiences, the good and the bad, when I face clients who come to me with their own stories. I often listen to women who cannot enjoy sex with a partner due to pain, shame and other blockages. My stories help them to find the motivation to keep fighting for themselves. I share with these women how I learned to be really intimate with myself, how to listen to my own body and how to take really good care of it.
If you’d like to book a session or ask me any questions that this article has raised, please feel free to contact me. I offer sessions for women, men and couples. You can consider giving yourself an opportunity to disconnect while you reconnect with yourself in the beautiful costa de Valencia in Spain. I also offer solo retreats with more complex treatments. Feel free to contact me for more info.
Cover image: Photo by Joshua Fuller on Unsplash